| | arthur im so sad right now. like beyond sad. im so mad im sad. im sitting here at 12 am crying on my fucking desk. i feel like im about to barf and i havent eaten anything in 2 days. im sick, and i just feel like falling asleep and never waking up.
i dont wanna move to a new fucking house, its not fair. my fucking dad cheated on my mom 4 fucking times with four fucking women in 4 fucking year and my throat is so dry and i cant stop crying. i dont want to cry because its fucking weak and im not. i hate it. i do.
and when im upset i get mad. and i hurt people. and i hurt myself which is even worse than hurting other people. i kind of enjoy knowing u might never meet me. i can have this conversation with u, knowing u wont judge me, like my friends might. of course, they never say anything to your face but u know they're insulting u behind ur back.
im a positive person. i believe in all that positive energy bullshit. but its hard looking on the bright side of fucking hell. its difficult. i feel lost and confused. i dont know if its puberty or whatever i just want to break down.
and its fucking school to. i have to wake up and face the lowlife of a sad excuse of a shitfaced step-dad which he will never be referred to as ever again, then try to ignore the problem throughout skool. but then i have to go back. i hate it here. i wanna get up and run. just get the fuck away from here. but im a fucking baby, im scared, i dont know where i'd go. i'd be alone, no one could help me. but sometimes i feel like im better off alone, drown myself or something. rollover and die. but im scared.
i just want to get away, away from everything. and these next months are going to be painful in every way. i dont want to have to deal with my ex, whos fucking going out with all my fucking friends. and i just have to laugh and joke when im so angry on the inside. i want to kill him.
i want to kill all the little hookers who fucking stole him from me. skanks. i hate them all. i want to inflict so much fucking pain onto them. im physically fatigued and i dont feel like getting up in the morning. i cant stand it, its just not fair. bad shit happens to my mom all the fucking time and it affects me greatly. if my mom is bugged, so am i. if my mom cant sleep, neither can i. i hate knowing she has this crap to deal with at her age. its not fair to her.
and ive just had such low self esteem issues. again, i cant get a fucking decent boyfriend who then leaves me after NINE FUCKING DAYS and i have so many guys ive been falling for but they all just use the whole: thanks for being a great friend! its like, wtf, i fucking flirt and drop very obvious hints and yet u fucking call me a friend, wtf is wrong with u! AND ITS HAPPENED 6 TIMES ALREADY.
I DONT WANT TO BE A FUCKING FRIEND, I WANT SOMEONE WHO CAN FUCKING APPRECIATE ME FOR WHO I FUCKING AM! I DONT NEED TO GO ON FUCKING DATES, DONT FUCKING BUY ME SHIT I DONT NEED TO SHOW U FUCKING CARE! HELL, YOU DONT EVEN NEED TO TALK TO ME! all i ask, all i ask, is for someone who's there. who can just stand next to me and say: "im right behind you" and mean it. is it too much? is it? am i being selfish? i dont need commitment, we dont need to do anything. he doesnt even need to be loyal, hell, i dont care anymore! just there. someone who fucking accepts me as a fucking human being. someone who actually gives a damn when im about to flip. yknow?
i dont ask for much and i damn well very much appreciate the things i have. im a lucky person. yknow, i think my problem is overreation. and im sorry im sending u all this crap. u dont even have to read it or respond. just go ahead and delete it. its just so i can feel as if mabye someone in this world gives a damn.
i dunno, im just not feeling well, im so tired i cant fall asleep. and yeah, i dunno. just think im normally like this. im not this socially fucked over on a good day. im usually pretty normal in a non-normal way.
ok, i have to TRY to get some fucking sleep cause i have tours and i dont want to break down in front of 8th graders, thats tragic. i doubt ill actually fall asleep. dude, i dont think ive ever typed/written this much stuff since like, idk, issues with another boy in school who treated me like crap & shitt. w/e tho. again, just delete this. u wont gain anything from this.
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| | Posted 12/3/2008 1:17 AM - 68 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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